Standing Out Rather Than Blending In

7 I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single, as I am. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. – 1 Corinthians 7:7-11 ESV

Paul understood well the necessity of marriage. He believed the institution of marriage had been ordained by God and, when treated properly, could provide believers with the full benefits of their sexuality as intended by God. As far as Paul was concerned, marriage was the only appropriate context for sexual expression between a man and a woman, because that was how God had planned it. However, Paul had a personal appreciation for singleness. Evidently, Paul was unmarried at the time this letter was written. It is uncertain whether Paul had ever been married. But when he writes, “I wish that all were as I myself am,” he is stating a personal opinion, not the will of God. He is not declaring singleness as preferable to marriage. He simply understood that marriage demands a great deal of commitment and sacrifice, requiring each person in the relationship to put the needs of the other ahead of their own.

For Paul, being single allowed him the freedom to dedicate all his time and attention to the spread of the gospel and to his ministry to the growing number of churches around the world. He truly believed that his state of singleness was a gift from God, and it was God who had given him the self-control to live as an unmarried man and to not, as he put it, “burn with passion.” He had a supernatural, God-given capacity to resist the temptations associated with singleness. Lust, an ever-present temptation for every single person, was not an issue for Paul.

Even Jesus alluded to the existence of this gift of singleness. One day, He was confronted by the Pharisees and asked whether it was “lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause” (Matthew 19:3b ESV). Quoting from the Old Testament, Jesus replied, “‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:5-6 ESV). Jesus went on to explain that “whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery—unless his wife has been unfaithful” (Matthew 19:9 NLT). Jesus was declaring marriage to be a binding covenant between two individuals. This declaration led one of the disciples to conclude, “If this is the case, it is better not to marry!” (Matthew 19:10 NLT). To His unnamed disciple’s less-than-enthusiastic statement, Jesus replied, “Not everyone can accept this statement. Only those whom God helps. Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made eunuchs by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone accept this who can.” (Matthew 19:11-12 NLT).

Jesus Himself never married, for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. He said, “For I have come down from heaven, not to do my own will but the will of him who sent me” (John 6:38 ESV). 

When it comes to ministry, singleness has its advantages, but it is not for everyone. So Paul goes on to address those who are married. He speaks first to the women, reminding them that they should not divorce their husbands. Paul was simply repeating the words of Jesus.

“Whoever divorces his wife and marries someone else commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries someone else, she commits adultery.” – Mark 10:11-12 NLT

Paul knew, as Jesus did, that God’s prohibition of divorce did not prevent it from happening. So they both commanded no remarriage after divorce. To do so was to commit adultery. Paul states that if a woman divorces her husband, “she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband” (1 Corinthians 7:11a ESV). Then he adds, “and the husband should not divorce his wife” (1 Corinthians 7:11b ESV).

Jesus seems to have given only one exception to His no-divorce mandate. When He stated, “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery” (Matthew 19:9 ESV), He appears to present sexual immorality on the part of one of the married partners as the only grounds for divorce. In the case of sexual immorality, the offending partner has broken the covenant of oneness. However, Paul emphasizes that whoever finds themselves divorced for whatever reason should remain single or be reconciled to their partner.

It is important to remember that Paul is calling the Corinthians believers to live out their faith in the midst of a dark, pagan culture where virtually anything was considered acceptable behavior. Divorce was commonplace, and sexual immorality was rampant. Sexual sins of all kinds were prevalent and regularly practiced. That is why he challenges the Corinthians to live lives worthy of their calling as followers of Christ. Their actions and attitudes were to be distinctly different than those of their unbelieving neighbors and friends. Their approach to life was to be determined by their faith, not their feelings. They were to be driven by a desire to please God, rather than the desire to pursue their own physical pleasures. 

It is highly possible that some in the church in Corinth were divorcing their spouses to escape having sexual relations altogether. More than likely, these individuals were influenced by the philosophy of dualism that flourished in Greek culture. This pagan belief taught that anything associated with the body was evil. Divorce allowed them to experience “freedom” from involvement with sex altogether. But that outlook was unbiblical and un-Christian. While the culture around them was distorting God’s views on everything from marriage to human sexuality, Paul was reminding them that they were the church of God, “sanctified in Christ Jesus, called to be saints” (1 Corinthians 1:2 ESV).

Like the Corinthians, we have been called to live lives that are set apart from the world. We are to be holy, different, and distinct. As God’s children, we exist to bring Him glory. As Paul declared to the believers in Ephesus, “we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago” (Ephesians 2:10 NLT).

Father, Your Son made it painfully clear when He stated, “The world would love you as one of its own if you belonged to it, but you are no longer part of the world. I chose you to come out of the world, so it hates you” (John 15:9 NLT). Yet, we often live as if we are still part of this world and we convince ourselves that the world is our friend. But Jesus said the world would hate us just as it hated Him. This world is not our home, but we go out of our way to make ourselves comfortable here. We acclimate, accomodate, compromise, and attempt to co-exist with a system that stands opposed to all that we believe. Paul’s call to live distinctively different lives in the midst of a sin-filled, self-absorbed society still holds true today. Open our eyes to the reality of Your non-negotiable expectation that we live lives worthy of Your calling on our lives. Help us to stand out rather than blend in — for our good and Your glory. Amen

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Lust, Love, and Marriage

1 Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

6 Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. – 1 Corinthians 7:1-6 ESV

As is usually the case in any congregation, there were two views or opinions influencing the church in Corinth. There were some whose Greek, dualistic way of thinking prompted them to see all sin as something done in the body and, therefore, permissible. These individuals viewed themselves as being made up a two natures: the body and the spirit. This pagan outlook on life caused them to excuse their immoral behavior as unimportant because it was merely the result of their temporal, earthly bodies, not their spirits.

But there was evidently another group within the church that also embraced dualism, but viewed it as a threat. Their solution was to practice a form of abstinence. Since they viewed the body as evil or sinful, they would simply deny the body anything that might cause it to sin, including sexual relations. In a previous letter they sent to Paul, they had commented: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman” (1 Corinthians 7:1b ESV).  And while Paul saw a seed of truth in this statement, he also saw a serious danger. Their ongoing struggle with temptation toward sexual sin was going to make abstinence extremely difficult to carry off. The solution, according to Paul, was God-ordained marriage.

He tells them, “Because there is so much sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman should have her own husband. The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs” (1 Corinthians 7:2-3 NLT). It was that Paul was against abstinence or celibacy. In fact, a few verses later, he makes a comment about the unmarried and widows in the church.

It’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. – 1 Corinthians 7:8-9 NLT

Abstinence may result in the absence of sexual contact, but it cannot eliminate the problem of lust. In His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus made the bold statement, “everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5:28 ESV). Simply refraining from sexual intercourse does not fix the problem of lust, because it emanates from the heart. Again, Jesus said, “for from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all sexual immorality, theft, lying, and slander” (Matthew 15:19 NLT).

Any attempt to separate the spiritual and the physical was based on man’s logic, not God’s Word. God had created marriage as the proper means by which men and women could enjoy His gift of sexual intimacy. And while marriage does not eliminate the problem of lust within the hearts of men and women, it does provide a God-ordained outlet for the expression and experience of the act of sex between a man and a woman.

But Paul knew that the dualistic viewpoint of the Corinthians could be destructive to God’s divine design for marriage. Some would choose to practice abstinence even within the confines of their marriage. However, Paul makes his view on this matter very clear.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. – 1 Corinthians 7:5a NLT

They were not to deny one another sexual intimacy, unless they had a very good spiritual reason for doing so, and the only one Paul lists is prayer. Even if they practiced abstinence for the purpose of prayer, they were to do so for a limited time period. Why? Because Paul knew their hearts. That is why he warned them, “Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (1 Corinthians 7:5b NLT).

We tend to view abstinence as a form of self-control or self-denial, but if used improperly, it can actually produce lust. A couple that mutually agrees to refrain from sexual intimacy runs the risk of turning their abstinence into lust. Their self-denial for spiritual purposes, if prolonged, may cause them to seek sexual fulfillment outside the bonds of marriage. 

At the heart of Paul’s commands on this topic is his concern for the spiritual well-being of the congregation in Corinth. He had a burden that each believer’s relationship with Christ be lived out and permeate every area of their lives, including their marriages. He made a concession toward abstinence in marriage only if it was done to concentrate on more pressing spiritual matters, such as prayer. For one spouse to deny the other their rightful access to sexual fulfillment would be un-Christlike and selfish. Paul makes it clear that the husband’s body is not his own to do with as he sees fit; it belongs to his wife. The same is true of the wife; her body belongs to her husband. There is to be a selflessness and an attitude of sacrifice at the heart of every Christian marriage. IT would be inappropriate for a husband or wife to satisfy their own desires by denying their spouse what God has intended for their good, 

Paul’s admonition to the Philippian believers echoes his thoughts here.

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. – Philippians 2:3-4 NLT

What better place to practice these practical warnings than within the context of a marriage? Any attempt to live a more godly life that ends up hurting someone else or denies the other person their God-ordained rights is misguided at best. We have been called to die to ourselves. We are commanded to put the other person first. We are to sacrifice willingly and selflessly. Spirituality is not about abstinence, but about obedience to the will of God as expressed in the Word of God and as lived out by the Son of God. He is to be our model. The Christ-like life is one of sacrifice, service, humility, and selfless love for others.

Father, marriage was Your idea, and yet, it has become infused with all kinds of warped and ungodly concepts that have made it a breeding ground for sin and selfishness. Sexual intimacy was also Your idea, but You confined it to the context of one woman married to one man. However, our society has attempted to destroy the God-ordained institution of marriage. As the Scriptures make clear, marriage was always meant to be an illustration of the union between Christ and His bride, the Church. When a husband and life live in faithfulness to one another, sacrificing their needs for the sake of the other, they model the selfless, sacrificial love of Christ. Would You empower Your people to make much of marriage and to use their own marriages as living illustrations of what it means to love as we have been loved — sacrificially, selflessly, and faithfully, for a lifetime. Amen

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.