1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:1-4 ESV
When considering Paul’s call for believers to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, it is important to remember that this is impossible without the power of the Holy Spirit. Yes, you could pull it off in your own power for a season, but it wouldn’t be long before your old sin nature raised its ugly head, causing pride and self-centeredness to take center stage again. For wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to sacrificially love their wives, the Holy Spirit is a non-negotiable necessity. He alone can provide the fruit we need to “walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true” (Ephesians 5:8 ESV).
Here in Chapter 6, Paul draws our attention to yet another relationship in which the fruit of the Spirit will be essential; he calls for children to obey their parents. The Greek word Paul uses is hypakouō, which conveys the idea of hearing as well as obeying. It implies a child submitting to the God-given authority of their parents, and that the obedience rendered to them must be “in the Lord,” which is another way of saying “out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21 ESV). Just as wives are to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord,” children are to obey their parents with an awareness that they are really submitting to the will of God for their lives.
Paul knows this will be very difficult for young children to comprehend. Even after a child comes to faith in Christ, they will have difficulty understanding what it means to obey in the Lord. That is where the careful, patient, and persistent training from godly parents comes in. Even very young children are naturally prone to disobedience. Their wills develop quickly, and their innate desire to do what they want shows up very early in their development. Obedience is not natural to children. They may not initially realize they are being disobedient, but their natural drive toward autonomy will lead them to choose their own will over their parents'.
In these first three verses, Paul seems to address two phases of childhood, starting with young children and then focusing on adult children. After commanding children to obey, Paul turns to the Mosaic law and quotes the fifth commandment: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12 ESV). And he adds a side note: “This is the first commandment with a promise” (Ephesians 6:2 ESV).
Paul calls for honor, not just obedience. The word “honor” carries with it the idea of reverence and veneration. In Hebrew, it is kabad, which means “heaviness” or “weight.” There should be a sense of weightiness or significance that adult children give to the God-given role of their parents in their lives. While young children will not be able to grasp the significance of this concept, older children, especially adult children, can and should.
It is interesting to note that in Deuteronomy 6, Moses told the people of Israel, “Now this is the commandment — the statutes and the rules — that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it, that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son's son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long” (Deuteronomy 6:1-2 ESV).
Moses was calling the people of God to obedience so that their days would be long in the land. Then Moses went on to give them the motivating factor behind their obedience to God:
You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. – Deuteronomy 6:5-9 ESV
Verse five contains the Shema, which Jesus would later say is the greatest commandment. Love is to be the primary motivating factor behind obedience to God. And Paul seems to be saying that, ultimately, love should underlie children's obedience to their parents and the honor they give them in their later years. But for this to happen, Moses said parents were to teach their children diligently. They were to talk about the things of God all the time. Obedience to God was to be a constant topic in the home, and parents were to be the primary source of instruction and illustration of what that obedience looks like.
Which is why Paul addresses fathers. In God’s economy, fathers are held to a higher standard; they are responsible for the spiritual well-being of their household. So Paul warns fathers about provoking or exasperating their children. Nothing will frustrate a child more than inconsistency in their father's life. His behavior toward and in front of his children will have a dramatic impact on their spiritual well-being. Parental hypocrisy is one of the most damaging influences on a child's life. Fathers who say one thing and do another end up frustrating and confusing their children. Fathers who demand one set of standards for their children while failing to apply those standards to themselves will cause anger and resentment in their children. Which is why Paul says, “Fathers, don't provoke your children to anger” (Ephesians 6:4 ESV).
Another surprising cause of anger within children is a lack of discipline. Children need boundaries, supervision, and discipline in their lives. This will require the parents to train their children, and the father is ultimately responsible. A father who is overly strict or heavy-handed in his discipline will end up exasperating his children. But it is also true that a father who is lax in providing his children with loving discipline and godly instruction will provoke his children to anger. That is why Paul tells fathers to bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. It should be the goal of every believing parent to raise godly children. While we can’t cause our children to come to faith in Christ, we can provide an environment in which the truth of the gospel is lived out in their presence and the love of God is modeled in their lives.
Parenting is a God-ordained role that comes with weighty responsibilities. But the Psalmist reminds us that “children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” (Psalm 127:3-5 ESV). Our children are to be seen as blessings, not burdens. Their presence in our home is a gift from God, an inheritance designed to outlast our lives and bring Him glory for generations to come. But the hope of their future faithfulness begins under our watch and depends on our willingness to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 ESV). What we say and do matters. How we live and love makes a difference. Faith cannot be inherited, but faithfulness to God can be modeled so that the next generation can learn of His goodness and greatness.
We will not hide these truths from our children;
we will tell the next generation
about the glorious deeds of the Lord,
about his power and his mighty wonders.
He commanded our ancestors
to teach them to their children,
so the next generation might know them—
even the children not yet born—
and they in turn will teach their own children.
So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
not forgetting his glorious miracles
and obeying his commands.
Then they will not be like their ancestors—
stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,
refusing to give their hearts to God. – Psalm 78:4, 5-8 NLT
Father, the job of parenting is never done. Even as our children leave the nest, we find ourselves still listening, loving, guiding, and directing. Even as our children move into adulthood, they continue to watch our lives and mirror our behavior. They may stop asking our advice, but they continue to recall the lessons we taught them along the way, both good and bad. The things we said and did when they were young are seared into their memories. What we do when they are young has long-term implications. Even when we are gone, they will still remember our words and actions. They will recall the life lessons we imparted and either embrace or reject them. The degree of our faithfulness to God when they were young will either motivate or demoralize them when they are older. Give us the strength to parent well, to grandparent faithfully. Don’t let us grow weary in doing good. Holy Spirit, empower and equip us to run the race well and to finish strong. Our children’s lives depend upon it. We cannot save them, but we can provide them with a safe and fertile environment in which truth is taught, love is boundless, patience is abundant, and faith is lived out in everyday life. Amen
English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.
New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.