The High Privilege of Parenting

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. – Ephesians 6:1-4 ESV

When considering Paul’s call for believers to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, it is important to remember that this is impossible without the power of the Holy Spirit. Yes, you could pull it off in your own power for a season, but it wouldn’t be long before your old sin nature raised its ugly head, causing pride and self-centeredness to take center stage again. For wives to submit to their husbands and husbands to sacrificially love their wives, the Holy Spirit is a non-negotiable necessity. He alone can provide the fruit we need to “walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true” (Ephesians 5:8 ESV).

Here in Chapter 6, Paul draws our attention to yet another relationship in which the fruit of the Spirit will be essential; he calls for children to obey their parents. The Greek word Paul uses is hypakouō, which conveys the idea of hearing as well as obeying. It implies a child submitting to the God-given authority of their parents, and that the obedience rendered to them must be “in the Lord,” which is another way of saying “out of reverence for Christ” (Ephesians 5:21 ESV). Just as wives are to submit to their husbands “as to the Lord,” children are to obey their parents with an awareness that they are really submitting to the will of God for their lives.

Paul knows this will be very difficult for young children to comprehend. Even after a child comes to faith in Christ, they will have difficulty understanding what it means to obey in the Lord. That is where the careful, patient, and persistent training from godly parents comes in. Even very young children are naturally prone to disobedience. Their wills develop quickly, and their innate desire to do what they want shows up very early in their development. Obedience is not natural to children. They may not initially realize they are being disobedient, but their natural drive toward autonomy will lead them to choose their own will over their parents'.

In these first three verses, Paul seems to address two phases of childhood, starting with young children and then focusing on adult children. After commanding children to obey, Paul turns to the Mosaic law and quotes the fifth commandment: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12 ESV). And he adds a side note: “This is the first commandment with a promise” (Ephesians 6:2 ESV).

Paul calls for honor, not just obedience. The word “honor” carries with it the idea of reverence and veneration. In Hebrew, it is kabad, which means “heaviness” or “weight.” There should be a sense of weightiness or significance that adult children give to the God-given role of their parents in their lives. While young children will not be able to grasp the significance of this concept, older children, especially adult children, can and should.

It is interesting to note that in Deuteronomy 6, Moses told the people of Israel, “Now this is the commandment — the statutes and the rules — that the Lord your God commanded me to teach you, that you may do them in the land to which you are going over, to possess it, that you may fear the Lord your God, you and your son and your son's son, by keeping all his statutes and his commandments, which I command you, all the days of your life, and that your days may be long” (Deuteronomy 6:1-2 ESV).

Moses was calling the people of God to obedience so that their days would be long in the land. Then Moses went on to give them the motivating factor behind their obedience to God:

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates. – Deuteronomy 6:5-9 ESV

Verse five contains the Shema, which Jesus would later say is the greatest commandment. Love is to be the primary motivating factor behind obedience to God. And Paul seems to be saying that, ultimately, love should underlie children's obedience to their parents and the honor they give them in their later years. But for this to happen, Moses said parents were to teach their children diligently. They were to talk about the things of God all the time. Obedience to God was to be a constant topic in the home, and parents were to be the primary source of instruction and illustration of what that obedience looks like.

Which is why Paul addresses fathers. In God’s economy, fathers are held to a higher standard; they are responsible for the spiritual well-being of their household. So Paul warns fathers about provoking or exasperating their children. Nothing will frustrate a child more than inconsistency in their father's life. His behavior toward and in front of his children will have a dramatic impact on their spiritual well-being. Parental hypocrisy is one of the most damaging influences on a child's life. Fathers who say one thing and do another end up frustrating and confusing their children. Fathers who demand one set of standards for their children while failing to apply those standards to themselves will cause anger and resentment in their children. Which is why Paul says, “Fathers, don't provoke your children to anger” (Ephesians 6:4 ESV).

Another surprising cause of anger within children is a lack of discipline. Children need boundaries, supervision, and discipline in their lives. This will require the parents to train their children, and the father is ultimately responsible. A father who is overly strict or heavy-handed in his discipline will end up exasperating his children. But it is also true that a father who is lax in providing his children with loving discipline and godly instruction will provoke his children to anger. That is why Paul tells fathers to bring up their children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. It should be the goal of every believing parent to raise godly children. While we can’t cause our children to come to faith in Christ, we can provide an environment in which the truth of the gospel is lived out in their presence and the love of God is modeled in their lives.

Parenting is a God-ordained role that comes with weighty responsibilities. But the Psalmist reminds us that “children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one's youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” (Psalm 127:3-5 ESV). Our children are to be seen as blessings, not burdens. Their presence in our home is a gift from God, an inheritance designed to outlast our lives and bring Him glory for generations to come. But the hope of their future faithfulness begins under our watch and depends on our willingness to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4 ESV).  What we say and do matters. How we live and love makes a difference. Faith cannot be inherited, but faithfulness to God can be modeled so that the next generation can learn of His goodness and greatness. 

We will not hide these truths from our children;
    we will tell the next generation
about the glorious deeds of the Lord,
    about his power and his mighty wonders.

He commanded our ancestors
    to teach them to their children,
so the next generation might know them—
    even the children not yet born—
    and they in turn will teach their own children.
So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
    not forgetting his glorious miracles
    and obeying his commands.
Then they will not be like their ancestors—
    stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,
    refusing to give their hearts to God. – Psalm 78:4, 5-8 NLT

Father, the job of parenting is never done. Even as our children leave the nest, we find ourselves still listening, loving, guiding, and directing. Even as our children move into adulthood, they continue to watch our lives and  mirror our behavior. They may stop asking our advice, but they continue to recall the lessons we taught them along the way, both good and bad. The things we said and did when they were young are seared into their memories. What we do when they are young has long-term implications. Even when we are gone, they will still remember our words and actions. They will recall the life lessons we imparted and either embrace or reject them. The degree of our faithfulness to God when they were young will either motivate or demoralize them when they are older. Give us the strength to parent well, to grandparent faithfully. Don’t let us grow weary in doing good. Holy Spirit, empower and equip us to run the race well and to finish strong. Our children’s lives depend upon it. We cannot save them, but we can provide them with a safe and fertile environment in which truth is taught, love is boundless, patience is abundant, and faith is lived out in everyday life. Amen

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Listen and Learn

Words of the Wise

17 Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise,
    and apply your heart to my knowledge,
18 for it will be pleasant if you keep them within you,
    if all of them are ready on your lips.
19 That your trust may be in the Lord,
    I have made them known to you today, even to you.
20 Have I not written for you thirty sayings
    of counsel and knowledge,
21 to make you know what is right and true,
    that you may give a true answer to those who sent you?

22 Do not rob the poor, because he is poor,
    or crush the afflicted at the gate,
23 for the Lord will plead their cause
    and rob of life those who rob them.
24 Make no friendship with a man given to anger,
    nor go with a wrathful man,
25 lest you learn his ways
    and entangle yourself in a snare.
26 Be not one of those who give pledges,
    who put up security for debts.
27 If you have nothing with which to pay,
    why should your bed be taken from under you?
28 Do not move the ancient landmark
    that your fathers have set.
29 Do you see a man skillful in his work?
    He will stand before kings;
    he will not stand before obscure men. – Proverbs 22:17-29 ESV

Verse 17 of chapter 22 begins a new section within the book of Proverbs that extends to chapter 22, verse 34, and contains 36 “sayings of the wise” (Proverbs 24:23a ESV). This collection of proverbial statements covers a wide range of topics and appears to be the work of a group of “wise men” or sages, as the title of this section suggests.

The Sayings of the Wise

The Hebrew word that is translated as “wise” in verse 17 most likely refers to a group of learned men or sages from which Solomon borrowed and adapted this collection of sayings.

“The plur. sages points to the existence of a special class of wise men, who were oral teachers or writers. The utterances of these men formed a distinct body of thought, part of which is preserved in the Book of Proverbs . . .” – Crawford H. Toy,  A Critical and Exegetical Commentary on the Book of Proverbs

Solomon opens this new section with an introduction in which he conveys the purpose for his inclusion of these 30-plus sayings of the wise.

I have written thirty sayings for you,
    filled with advice and knowledge. – Proverbs 22:20 NLT

Solomon is not claiming to be the author of these wise sayings but he is simply stating that he has carefully collected and compiled them for the benefit of his readers. And he reminds them that the application of these truths to their lives will be of great benefit.

For it is good to keep these sayings in your heart
    and always ready on your lips.
I am teaching you today—yes, you—
    so you will trust in the Lord. – Proverbs 22:18-19 NLT

It seems quite evident that Solomon viewed these sayings as far more than the intelligent musings of mere men. No, he saw them as divinely inspired by God. He chose them for their godly wisdom and eternal value. There is some indication that Solomon’s original audience was his own offspring, particularly his sons. Throughout the book of Proverbs, he has repeatedly addressed his words to the male members of his household, calling them to listen and apply the words of wisdom he had collected. And in this section, he continues to focus his attention on his sons, begging them to consider carefully what he is trying to tell them so that they might be equipped with the truth.

Have I not written for you thirty sayings
    of counsel and knowledge,
to make you know what is right and true,
    that you may give a true answer to those who sent you? – Proverbs 22:20-21 ESV

Solomon knew that, as a father, the day would come when he have to kick his sons out of the nest so that they might begin their own lives. And he was fully aware that they would discover the world to be a far less friendly environment than the royal palace in which they were raised. As sons of the king, they had been raised in an atmosphere of comfort and privilege. They were accustomed to all the benefits that great power and wealth can offer. And as heirs of Solomon’s unprecedented fortune, they were each assured of a sizeable inheritance. They would be set for life. So, it is not surprising that the first few wisdom sayings have to do with financial matters. And the very first one deals with the relationship between the haves and the have-nots.

Don’t rob the poor just because you can,
    or exploit the needy in court.
For the Lord is their defender.
    He will ruin anyone who ruins them. – Proverbs 22:22-23 NLT

This has been a common theme in the book of Proverbs and reveals that the interaction between the rich and the poor was a problem in Solomon’s day. The down-and-out were despised by their more affluent neighbors. Poverty was considered to be a curse from God while wealth was viewed as a sign of His blessing. And Proverbs 14:20-21 reveals this viewpoint was not only inaccurate but in direct opposition to the will of God.

The poor is disliked even by his neighbor,
    but the rich has many friends.
Whoever despises his neighbor is a sinner,
    but blessed is he who is generous to the poor.

God has a special place in His heart for the disadvantaged and destitute, and His children were to share His care and concern for them.

Those who mock the poor insult their Maker;
    those who rejoice at the misfortune of others will be punished. – Proverbs 17:5 NLT

If you help the poor, you are lending to the Lord—
    and he will repay you! – Proverbs 19:17 NLT

Solomon wanted his young sons to share God’s concern for the needy and not use their privilege and power as weapons to take advantage of the less fortunate. And sadly, some of Solomon’s own descendants would fail to heed his warnings and cause the people of Israel to line their pockets and pad their portfolios with the possessions of the poor. And God would have some strong words to level against them.

The Lord comes forward to pronounce judgment
    on the elders and rulers of his people:
“You have ruined Israel, my vineyard.
    Your houses are filled with things stolen from the poor.
How dare you crush my people,
    grinding the faces of the poor into the dust?”
    demands the Lord, the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. – Isaiah 3:14-15 NLT

But the temptation to profit off the backs of the poor was not the only thing Solomon’s sons would need to avoid. They were going to need to know how to navigate the dangerous and sometimes deadly waters of relationships. As wealthy members of the community, they would never lack friends. Their influence and affluence would attract all kinds of individuals who coveted a place at their table and access to their wealth. As Proverbs 14:20 states: “the rich have many ‘friends.’”

So, Solomon warns his sons to choose their friends carefully, with special emphasis on those individuals who display anger issues.

Don’t befriend angry people
    or associate with hot-tempered people,
or you will learn to be like them
    and endanger your soul. – Proverbs 22:24-25 NLT

In his letter to the church in Corinth, the apostle Paul quoted a popular proverb of his day: “Bad company ruins good morals” (1 Corinthians 15:33 ESV). This truism is timeless and has proven its veracity over the centuries. Those who associate with angry people tend to become like them. It’s virtually impossible to hang out with immoral people and not become like them. And this is not the first time Solomon has warned his sons to avoid quick-tempered people like the plague.

A hot-tempered person starts fights;
    a cool-tempered person stops them. – Proverbs 15:18 NLT

People with understanding control their anger;
    a hot temper shows great foolishness. – Proverbs 14:29 NLT

Uncontrolled anger is a tell-tale characteristic of a fool, and a man of wisdom should avoid such people at all costs.

Next, Solomon shares a time-tested adage concerning friends and finances. As he has done elsewhere in the book of Proverbs, Solomon warns his sons against putting their financial reputation on the line for someone else.

Don’t agree to guarantee another person’s debt
    or put up security for someone else.
If you can’t pay it,
    even your bed will be snatched from under you. – Proverbs 22:26-27 NLT

All the way back in Proverbs 6, Solomon provided his sons with some strong words concerning the danger of co-signing on a loan for someone else.

My child, if you have put up security for a friend’s debt
    or agreed to guarantee the debt of a stranger—
if you have trapped yourself by your agreement
    and are caught by what you said—
follow my advice and save yourself,
    for you have placed yourself at your friend’s mercy.
Now swallow your pride;
    go and beg to have your name erased.
Don’t put it off; do it now!
    Don’t rest until you do. – Proverbs 6:1-4 NLT

It’s not difficult to sense Solomon’s strong feelings on this topic, and it’s likely that he had firsthand experience. He had probably learned the painful lesson that comes with putting your money and your reputation on the line for someone else’s behalf. Guaranteeing the loan of another person leaves you open to substantial loss – not just financially, but also relationally. Money can become a great source of division between friends. So, Solomon warns his sons to be wary. Their financial resources would make them easy prey. But just because they had the capacity to secure a friend’s debt didn’t mean they should.

Next, Solomon deals with the need for his sons to engage in ethical business practices. Once again, their wealth would provide them with influence and power and they would constantly be tempted to use both to get what they wanted. Money can make things happen, and Solomon knew that his sons would always face the temptation to use their resources unethically.

Don’t cheat your neighbor by moving the ancient boundary markers
    set up by previous generations. – Proverbs 22:28 NLT

Boundary markers were large stones that were used to delineate property rights. The picture that Solomon paints is of someone using their money to have those stones incrementally moved so that, over time, their property was enlarged. It was a subtle and sinister manipulation of the system to gain an unfair advantage over someone else. It was immoral, unethical, and unacceptable to God.

Cursed is anyone who steals property from a neighbor by moving a boundary marker. – Deuteronomy 27:17 NLT

Finally, Solomon encourages his sons to foster a habit of hard work. They were not to allow their affluence to produce an attitude of entitlement that manifested itself in laziness.

Do you see any truly competent workers?
    They will serve kings
    rather than working for ordinary people. – Proverbs 22:29 NLT

Those who are diligent are the ones who deserve recognition and reward, not the lazy and incompetent. The hardworking will end up garnering the attention of the powerful and influential. Solomon wanted his sons to be men of integrity and honor. He desired that they would be hardworking and reliable, rather than resting on their social standing and financial status. Solomon knew that affluence could be a curse as much as a blessing. Without the presence of wisdom, even privilege could become a real problem. So, Solomon provides his sons with a lengthy list of helpful and time-tested truths to guide their lives for years to come. 

English Standard Version (ESV) The Holy Bible, English Standard Version. ESV® Permanent Text Edition® (2016). Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers.

New Living Translation (NLT) Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright © 1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers Inc., Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

New English Translation (NET)NET Bible® copyright ©1996-2017 by Biblical Studies Press, L.L.C. http://netbible.com All rights reserved.